JoKeR

A man went to his doctor and said,
“Can you help me Doc? I don’t know why, but I’m afraid of Santa.”

The doctor replied, “You must be Claustrophobic.”

Jane and Liza were at a coffee shop one afternoon.

Jane: “My husband and I have been fighting so much lately! I’ve been so stressed I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

Liza: “Oh my goodness. Why don’t you leave him?”

Jane: “I want to lose another 15 pounds first!”

One day two cows were chatting over the fence. The first cow said, “This mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I’ve heard it’s spreading so fast that it’s already on Farmer John’s land down the road!”

The second cow replied, “So what? It doesn’t affect us chickens!”

…because the farmer had cold hands!!!

A man despised his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day. He drove 20 blocks from his home and left him at the park. When he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to try 40 blocks away. He dropped off the cat and headed home. As he arrived at the house, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Mary, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put the little bastard on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”

A man speaks frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor asks.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Hank was living in Texas during a heat wave. One day was a real scorcher.

“It’s too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Hank after he finished his shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money.”

A photographer from
a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the
heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled
the blaze.
  When the photographer arrived, he realized
that the smoke was so thick that it would
seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and
take photos from the air. His request was
approved and arrangements were made.
He was told to report to a nearby
airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
  He arrived at the airport and saw a plane
warming up near the gate. He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within
minutes they were in the air.
  The photographer said, "Fly over the
park and make two or three low passes
so I can take some pictures."
  "Why?" asked the pilot.
  "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
  The pilot was silent for a moment;
finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Wife: “We have such a smart dog! He brings in the paper every morning.”
Husband: “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
Wife: “But we don’t subscribe to it!”